1. The Facebook effect:

This one really got me into a bit of a dilemma. Some background : at home, we have only one real non-negotiable with the boys, which is that whatever happens with them – at school , sleepovers, wherever – they should come and tell us about it. Getting busted by the Principal, using the F-word (at 10, it doesn’t happen that often yet)…. as bad as it can get, it is all still OK. Not cool, but Ok. We’ll have a heart-to-heart chat about what exactly happened, next Sunday’s pizza dinner gets cancelled, stuff like that. Nothing extreme. But if they ever lie or cover up about anything, then they get seriously grounded. That’s how its been so far, and it’s worked. V & me pretty much enjoy best friend status in their lives – I know this claim sounds naïve/presumptuous, but we know this – trust me. There have also been a couple of incidents at school which has reiterated this confidence, made us very proud of them on this count.

So they came up with this request to join Facebook a few days ago. On probing a bit, it turned out that the chief motivation was an online game on Fb called Miscrits which is the current rage in their social circle, and most of their friends  had already got their own Fb accounts. I didn’t think it was a big deal initially, until we found out that the Fb age threshold was 13. So in effect, allowing them to join meant actively endorsing them lying about their age online. I don’t know why this bothered me so much, but it took a fair amount of time for me to reconcile to it. After about a week of deliberation, and after a long chat with them on why this was such a big deal, they got the go ahead. V and me are on their friends list, their ticker indicates that they do spend most of their time there on this Miscrits thing (oh, and A2 setup his fb name as Kick Buttowski. Sigh.).

But the questions I ask myself now are: has anything changed in their mindset about lying being a non-negotiable? The next time they go through an awkward situation, will they still feel as strongly about coming home and telling all? Or will this precedent make lying not such a sacrosanct concept in their minds anymore? Have I been the co-conspirator who facilitated a shift in their ethics framework? We shall see.

2. The curious incident of our maid in the night time:

We came back home one night after a late dinner. I opened the door using the key and walked into the guest bedroom, where our key-rack is. When I got there, I saw our live-in maid E, sprawled on the bed, watching TV. She looked completely startled to see me  – the TV volume had muted the noise of the main door opening and my coming into the room, I guess -  and quickly got off the bed and sat down on the floor. No words were exchanged and I headed to my bedroom. I mentioned this to the wife, who had a quite chat with her on the issue. E’s response that she never ever does such a thing, always sits on the floor to watch TV…. its only because she was feeling unwell that evening and had a severe back ache, that she wanted to rest on the bed. Nothing has been spoken about this incident in our house ever since. I must also say here that we’ve generally been very lucky with our domestic help over the years, hardly any bad egg.. and E has been the super star in an impressive  line-up. She genuinely cares for the kids, very very trustworthy, total paavam types, all the good stuff. We’re dreading the day she gets married and goes off.

So more questions:

First, the obvious one about class divide that is a part of our lives: Why is this an issue at all? Why don’t our domestic help lounge in our sofas, sleep on our beds? Why do they almost always sit on the floor, even during their leisure hours? Are they made of a different strand? Isn’t this tantamount to practising Untouchability in a different form? Though I have thought about this and feel guilty about being part of this class system, haven’t had the guts to put this into practice in our home – I am an avoid-conflict-personality-type, and have bailed out of the option of having the awkward conversations with parents (who come visiting), in-laws (who live in the next building), relatives, etc.. have chosen the easier option of just letting it be.

Trust: E is alone at home for a large part of the day, when the kids are away at school. Was this a one-off, as she claims? Or is this what she does when no one’s at home, so she is lying.. and by extension, has she also been covering up on other more potentially serious scenarios, that we hear about elsewhere?  We have not got to doing surprise checks or any other due-diligence during the hours that she is alone. But I am not sure  if there will be a lingering feeling of doubt on her hitherto impeccable integrity, from now. Trust is such a delicate thing, no? Its a bit like wicketkeepers in cricket – no one remembers all the catches they take, only the one they drop gets talked about. All it takes is one transgression, and an entire lifetime of credibility can come crashing down. Ask  Rajat Gupta, of McKinsey fame and Rajarathanam  shame. In E’s case, will she carry the cross of her lost credibility for as long as she is with us?

Its been fascinating to watch both of them, as 10 year olds, form their own views on the subject. At this point of time, A1 is somewhere in-between, not really wanting to force the issue with V or me, either way. A2 has clearly taken to the idea that there is no god, and even challenges his (mainly older) friends on this one - something i find amazing as on most other things, he gets influenced by their POV and comes home to relay it back to us.

This is probably going to be an ongoing dinner table conversation as the boys get older, with multiple nuances coming into our stated beliefs, as befits this very complex subject. I wanted to put down my thoughts using a slightly circular approach - stating my POV from the perspective of the general role that that i see god playing in the world around me.

So here goes:

God as a mechanism to deal with the insignificance / pointless-ness of our lives in the larger scheme of things, also known as the universe.

It is very difficult for us to come to terms with the fact that our existence is just a random occurrence, and has no meaning beyond the duration of our lifetime. When we die, we die. Thats it. Nothing more. This is a huge deal, and i see belief in god as a strong crutch for humanity in this process of reconciliation.

We believed earlier that the earth was the center of a universe created by god  (a universe which was then thought to be consisting of our Sun and a few other planets and stars). We now know that we are just one species among millions, in one average sized planet, which orbits around a star called the sun , which is a kind of average star among billions of other stars in a galaxy known as the Milky Way, which is one among billions of other galaxies, all of which together comprise the universe. Another fact: Humans as a species, have been in existence for only about 1 million years of the 4.5 billion years that the earth has been around, which is a negligible 0.02%.

Pause and reflect on all these numbers for a moment. To think that we have been put here by a Higher power for a purpose, is frankly akin to this very famous “puddle” idea from Douglas Adams :

Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, “This is an interesting world I find myself in —  fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!” This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise.

Those magnificent creatures that roamed the earth for over 160 million years (note: One Hundred And Sixty million years versus our pathetic 1 million years), till they were wiped out by a random event 65 million years ago - a passing meteorite gently nudging our planet which came in its way - those huge dinosaurs must have felt the same way, isn’t it? That the earth was created for them to rule. The bottomline is, we are all puddles, and to surmise anything else is clutching at straws.

And in this case, god and associated theology do provide some very useful straws to clutch at - karma, the soul continuing to live even after the body is dead and buried, heaven, hell – all very good ideas, but just that - ideas - to help  us to cope with the fact that there is no larger purpose or meaning to our existence.

God providing a moral compass for our lives

From childhood, we are conditioned via our parents and elders saying things like  ”Don’t do that, or god will punish you”, “See, because you did not obey us, god punished you”, etc. God plays a very effective policeman to help us frame a moral compass by which we can supposedly live a virtuous and fulfilling life.

I have no problems with this, except that it also creates other, very undesirable perceptions. First, there is this implicit bias in some (from my experience, the majority of )  believers that tends to associate belief in god with “goodness” of character, and more importantly, the absence of belief, with “heretical-traits” which are frowned upon. The second and more critical fallacy of thought which arises from this mass conditioning, is best exemplified by this brilliant essay by Mr. Lizard, the first few lines of which are reproduced below (Hat tip: Amit Varma’s blog ‘India Uncut’):

“Presented for your consideration: Two gentlemen, both with what one might term a mild delusion — they are deeply involved with people who don’t exist. Both spend a lot of money on this obsession. Both can recite, at length, the putative words, thoughts, and deeds of their fictional obsessions. Both have allowed the ideals expressed by these non-existent beings to shape their lives, and both proudly proclaim their allegiance in a sect of followers. Despite this odd obsession, both men hold down jobs, have families, pay taxes, and commit no more than trivial crimes, such as jaywalking, or speeding, or ripping the tags off of mattresses.

One of these men, though, has a serious problem — he won’t acknowledge the fictitious nature of his fantasy friend. The other one has no such difficulty distinguishing between reality and fantasy.

Yet, in our society, the former is considered normal and healthy — while the latter is, at best, a figure of mockery, at worst, a reviled outcast. The former man, you see, is a ‘Christian’, and the fictious being he admires is called ‘God’. The latter is a ‘Trekker’ and his fictional focus is called ‘Mr. Spock’.

Neither God nor Mr. Spock exist. Both are creations of the imagination. There is no such thing as being ‘slightly fictitious’ — a thing, or a person, either exists, or it does not. God does not exist, making him as fictional as Spock, Fox Mulder, Tom Sawyer, Hamlet, Bart Simpson, or President Clinton’s ethical standards.”

( Read the whole essay here. )

Mr. Spock is as relevant to someone who wants live a purposeful life, as “god” is to a “believer” (both quotes intentional). As for me, I try to be brutally honest with my own conscience. For the most part, it has helped me sleep peacefully at night.

God helping us cope with extremes of life

“If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same”  (from Rudyard Kipling’s “If”).

A great line from one of my favourite poems, but a whole lot easier said than done. Life throws surprises at us - an untimely death of someone very dear to us, phases of extreme suffering which seem beyond our control, unexpected good fortune, and such like. In such scenarios, faith in god does provide a way to cope with the extreme vicissitudes of life (of course, we tend to invoke god’s support more during the bad times than the good).

The belief that its all “written”,  apparently enhances our capacity to deal with tragedy and trauma. On the contrary, it may also happen that such tragedy provokes us to question doctrines of theology (read this beautiful review of Arun Shourie’s book, to see what I mean).

I also am a staunch advocate of dealing with fortune & sorrow equally, except that destiny or faith doesn’t come anywhere in the picture for me. I call it luck. Life is not fair, and you have to expect, and deal with, the good, the bad and sometimes, the downright ugly. If an idea called god or a belief that whatever you do or don’t do, everything is pre-destined, makes coping easier, then good for you.  But in no way does it make a case for faith in god as a way of life.

I have to admit though, that my god has given me many moments of ecstasy, and some of sheer agony.

So long for now, and thanks for all the fish.

And it turned out to be a fascinating couple of weeks. Warsaw reflects a modern city juxtaposed with a strong acknowledgement of its past, Prague is steeped in centuries-old history everywhere you look, Salzburg is even more picture-postcard-pretty than i had imagined, Vienna throbs with the sophistication of its culture. Despite barriers of language  (English not being the prevalent language in any of these cities), an efficient public transport infrastructure and a helpful local populace made getting around an incredibly pleasant experience. Had a wonderful time overall.

Another abiding memory of the holiday is how a rich history of art & culture is so deeply integrated in the ethos of these cities. Warsaw proudly celebrating Chopin’s 200th birth anniversary year, the magnificence of the frescoes & sculptures in Prague, the omnipresence of Mozart & the enthralling art  museums  in Austria.. this trip was like being transported a few centuries back in time.

As i mulled over this, a parallel thought which struck me strongly was how a rich artistic legacy is closely inter-twined with the progress of a civilisation.  Europe’s history reveals  that the era of the Baroque and Classical periods (16th -18th Century AD), where art & music thrived, was followed by the Industrial Revolution which paved the way for western dominance of scientific thought in the last 200 years. A post by Dilbert creator Scott Adams refers to a book called ‘Art and Physics’ by Leonard Shlain, which makes a case for co-relation between the flourishing of art & scientific innovation.  Shlain uses examples throughout history – from the classical Greek sculptors to Andy Warhol and Jasper Johns, and from Aristotle to Einstein – to hypothesise that artistic breakthroughs have foreshadowed discoveries of scientists. Closer home, the Gupta dynasty which stretched between 4th & 6th century AD and is referred as the Golden Age of India for its patronage of artistic & scientific pursuits, produced geniuses like Kalidasa and Aryabhatta.

While it might be far-fetched to draw a conclusion of causation between the flourishing of art & a country’s progress, I can’t help wonder:  amidst all the chest-thumping about India’s march towards being the next world superpower, will our apathy and neglect of our artistic & cultural legacy be a stumbling block?  Because as i caught up with the pile of newspapers & magazines on a Sunday afternoon after coming back home, I came across this.

Dhrupad going the way of the dollar is not good news, I think.

He is not from some other planet, is he, she chides.  He is human, made of flesh and blood, like the rest of us. You are so rational in everything else, how can you deify him like this, she says, exasperated.

To be fair, she has tried to empathise. She has even accompanied me at times when I’ve gone to see him, trying to feel the fervour that I feel as I sit there for hours on end, transfixed in his presence . How can I describe the feeling when I am in his abode?  The teeming crowds, the chorus of chants.. men, women, children.. hoping, praying, willing him to shepherd his flock. And when he ably and graciously obliges us,  the ecstasy that engulfs the millions who are fortunate to witness the magic he conjures up before our disbelieving eyes…sheer bliss.  The sense of inner peace, the feeling that all is well in this world when he is around, can be only be felt by those who unequivocally believe that he is not a mere mortal. To be a true believer, it must come from within.

But of late, there is a sense of foreboding. Visions of a life when he is no longer around, rear up more often than not.  How will I cope with the sense of loss, the feeling of emptiness that is inevitable, when he leaves this world where’s he’s cast his spell for so long. 

And the day is not too far off, when I will be forced to turn agnostic again.  Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar is playing his 169th test match today, more than anyone ever has, and probably will. The boyishness undiminished, with the same sense of wonder and commitment that was in evidence when he played his 1st, over twenty years ago.

I guess even God cannot go on forever.

I did try my my best to go with an open mind, and just experience the movie for what it is, but I guess all the buzz must have set up high expectations sub-consciously [   couldn't resist the pun]….and  it didn’t measure up. By a fair bit. It was more enjoyable-night-out-at-the-movies fare, rather than  one-more-in-the-great-movies-to-watch list.

Nolan has a clever idea of course, and nicely manages to convert it to an engaging screenplay. But once you get clued into what the ‘surreal’ premise  is all about (which happens in the first twenty minutes or so), the rest is more like a slickly executed action Hollywood flick. High on entertainment quotient, but by the time all those heavy duty sequences in the snow came on, I found myself waiting for the inevitably predictable ending. Don’t think this is one of those movies that I will keep thinking about, a year or two from now – my default measure for anything nearing greatness.

For me, the highlights of the movie were Hans Zimmer’s music score (earlier credits include The Lion King – an eternal favourite – among others), and another display of Leonardo Di Caprio’s stunning evolution from the banality of Titanic to his curent uber-cool, edgy, almost-Johnny Depp-like presence.                                                                                          

And the ending.  Cutting the shot while the totem’s still spinning (could almost see the Warner Bros. studio exec in the background, happily thinking, ’”Yes!  Perfect segue for the sequel”‘)..  brings on a smile, but a tad predictable. Kind of sums up what the movie was like.

And then he trains all his attention on me. Again, only a word or two exchanged. Our eyes meet for a second, and he knows exactly what i want.   I just close my eyes and let him take over. A while later, I emerge out of my dream-like state, satisfied and happy. I add a generous tip to the payment, which he accepts with a simple ’thank you’.

The funny thing is, after over a year of perfect male bonding, we don’t even know each other’s names. I guess we don’t need to.  

As I walked out of my barber’s small shop down the street, after my haircut today,  I thought about asking him his name next time, and maybe do some small talk. I probably won’t. Why spoil something so perfect.